On Interracial Math

This is going to be a short post. Short, because there's not a whole lot to say about the matter - but that doesn't make it any less important.

Over the years, I've often heard people speak of interracial relationships and mixed children as a key to "changing the world" and making current racial designations obsolete within the next 50 years. I've already discussed - at length - why I disagree, but I just want to ask one simple question regarding these magical multi-racial babies and their interracial parents:

Who do mixed (specifically white-plus-another-race) folks end up dating or having kids with most often: white people, other mixed people, people sharing the race of their non-white parent, or another race entirely?

Now, really think before answering.

Guess what? Biracial kids are more likely to end up having white partners than any of the other groups.* And it's not too shocking really.

The reasons? First of all, there are more white people in this country than there are any other race, so if you're somebody that crosses different racial barriers, you're still more likely, statistically-speaking, to run into white people - therefore a higher chance of randomly ending up with a white person.

Of course, it's not just random. Because biracial kids with one white parent generally grow up more immersed in white culture than their other culture. Part of this is the fact that we live in the U.S., which is dominated by white culture. But it's also because white culture is more "acceptable" and "normal," and the white partners are less able to actively subdue their own "normality" to enable their child to have an even immersion in both racial cultures of their parents. So - if a kid is raised in white culture, white people are who they are going to be around more often, and have more in common with, culturally, than another race - thus making it more likely for them to date white people.

Also, biracial kids are seen as more "acceptable" partners for white people than mono-racial "others." We're "exotic" and all that, a more comfortable middle ground for white people that want to "date dangerously," but don't really want to cross the racial line. We're less-threatening and more user-friendly, and so white people are more likely to be attracted to (and be okay with dating) us than somebody "more ethnic."

The end result? Within three generations, the descendants of an interracial union are basically white (I don't believe in the "one-drop" rule when we're talking fourths or smaller), making them more likely to date other white people, etc. So that - really - the majority of interracial relationships between a white partner and another race are the first step in white-washing the non-white partners racial lineage. So, in spite of all these arguments to the contrary, many interracial relationships are actually reducing racial diversity and color in the long-run. Now ain't that a crazy concept?

And for those who don't buy my argument - do a bit of snooping around, and tell me what you find. Find families of bi-racial (white and non-white) couples and see what the grandchildren look like. Personally, my cousins have pretty much drained all the Chinese blood from our family line, already. My brother is marrying a white girl. A large number of the mixed kids I knew back in the Bay have married white people (in fact, all the ones that I am aware of that have gotten married).

One possible exception to this rule is biracial (white/black) women. Partly, this is due to the fact that biracial folks with black heritage are a lot more likely to be considered just "black" on a general level. More importantly, it involves various racial stereotypes about black women, etc. which makes this the one exception where my proposed trend may not fall out (although I'm not entirely sure about that).

So, look around. Read up on some statistics. Do the math. And please don't tell me that interracial dating is a cure for racism until you have some proof. Because I'm not buying.

* I had actual numbers on this at one point, but lost them - anybody?

On Being More Other than Other

Recently, the subject of racial hierarchies has been on my mind. At "Mixed Race America," Jennifer posted about Asian racism in regards to interracial dating. At the same time, I was having a conversation with a mixed (black/white) friend of mine about hanging with her relatives, and the different styles of ignorance that comes out depending on which side she's with. Not too long before that, I had some conversations with my mother (Chinese) about her dating mostly white guys growing up, and her exposure to black folks (and culture). Add to that all the forms of bigoted Halloween costumes and what that says about people's respect for other races and cultures, I haven't been able to avoid thinking about it.

So I think it's time to lay down an obvious fact (but one few people acknowledge or talk about): EVERYBODY ranks the races in some way. Some may be more conscious about it all, but EVERYBODY does it. And so I thought I'd put forth a list of my perceived racial rankings, from the point of view of people of differing racial backgrounds.

Now, the rest of this post is going to be based purely on observation and experience, so I don't have statistical data for those that want cold, hard, facts. However, I think a lot of it is just common sense - but anywhere where I am just plain wrong, I welcome my readers to set me straight.

So here comes the CVT's Hierarchy of Race:

Let's start with white America.
There are a few different sub-sections here, dependent on economic class, geography (in terms of the likelihood of being exposed to different races), and self-proclaimed "liberal-ness" or "conservative-ness." But, to cut to the quick - white folks are on top. They are in a literal, power-structure sense, but they are also on top in a sub-conscious understanding sort of way to white folks. And this transcends other variables, mostly due to the power of the media. No matter what a white American professes, the vast majority of them understand that being white is "normal" while anything else is not. And with that "normality" comes a sense of superiority. Because even "liberals" have a gut-level belief that other races are inferior enough that they need "white saviors" to come swoop down to save them. At best, these saviors poor pity on other races - using the numbers of "minorities" to demonstrate the level of difficulty this "saving" takes (i.e. more non-white people = "tougher" school/neighborhood, etc.). I don't need to talk about the more overt levels.

Now, the rankings for white folks after number one differs dramatically by the situation. If we're talking about academic success or raw intelligence, white folks will stick to the stereotypes of Asians being number one (while putting black and Latino at the bottom). However, athletic ability will have black folks at the top, followed by Latino, then "others" and Asians at the bottom. In terms of just raw "coolness," black and Latino are at the top, again with Asian at the bottom.

So the question is: what about all the other races? Why am I not ranking Arab, Native American, Pacific Islander, or other more specific ethnicities in the white racial hierarchy? Because, mostly, they don't exist in the hierarchy. They just get lumped into a category of a race that has the most similar skin-tone or eyes (unless we're talking about "terrorists," of course).

So what about Asians?
Asian-Americans are a hugely diverse population of people, but the basic hierarchies remain the same. Depending on the ethnicity, Asian folks (and right now, I'm drawing more on Chinese experience, as I know less about other Asian cultures, directly) would have white and Asian in the first two places. Some Asian folks in America will set white as the bar to reach, while others (and my grandmother was definitely on this list) hold to the superiority of the homeland and their own race.

And then it falls out much like with white folks. Black folks are seen to be the most "dangerous" and "unacceptable" in terms of dating and the like (I would say, in many cases, even MORE so than with white folks these days). Other brown folks would come in second (even Asian-Indians have a clear preference for lighter-skinned folks within their own "race"). But again, in terms of "coolness," many Asian youth tend to emulate "black" youth culture and music. In many cases, Latino folks aren't as low on the list as with white folks, though - which might be due to the shared immigrant experience, as it's less likely to revile the "foreigner," when you yourself are almost as often seen in that light.

Now my experience runs less strongly with the rest (since it's not my background), but I can hazard some general guesses.

African-Americans:
Sadly, black folks - as a whole - do NOT put themselves at the top of the list. The media and constant barrage of negative stereotypes and set-backs have been too strong for that. So white people make the top of this list, as well. Similar to Asian-Indian culture, lighter skin, straighter hair, etc. too often become a standard of "better than," as opposed to more strongly black-associated features.

And, in some ways, I don't even know if - on a very general level - the black community would put themselves second on a racial hierarchy. So much encouragement to fight and hold down EACH OTHER comes down through media messaging, that I often see my kids thinking more highly of other races (other than white) over themselves. Asians seem to have a different standing in much of generalized "black" culture - seen more often as the goofy, non-English-speaking "foreigner." Latinos are also often lumped into the "foreign" category, as if white and black are the only actual "American" races (this mirrors white hierarchies, as well).

Latino:
This is hugely dependent on country of origin and immigration status (similar to Asian culture). This makes it hard for me to make claims, since I'm less involved with this widespread community. However, I would say that on a very superficial level, white still makes the top of the list.

American Indian:
This would parallel other indigenous cultures and the system of self-hate that has been beat into them from the days of the colonization. It's a combination of pride and defeat that holds white as far below on a scale of nobility, but simultaneously on top in terms of success and power. In my experience, I have not come across another group that so clearly holds contempt for the white race while also standing them on a pillar. It makes sense, given the history, but it's an interesting (and frustrating) dichotomy.

And I'm going to stop here because I've been slowly treading into the land of blind conjecture, and I don't feel like making any more blanket stereotypes with even less personal experience to back me. In the end, this is my particular perspective based on my particular experience as an ethnically-ambiguous Chinese/white mix who has found himself mixing it up with a lot of different racial cultures. I'm sure I've been far too broadly general, but I would love to hear folks' more personal takes on my claims - to set the record straight, as well as let me know where I'm accurate.

After I see some outside opinions on the matter, I'll follow up with a more thorough treatment of WHY and HOW this all happens, and what I think we should do about it.

On Being a Bridge

(I am currently working at a summer arts camp, so my posts will be coming infrequently - I'll be back at it for real in another three weeks)

With all the racial politics going around, Obama's speeches and analysis thereof, we've all heard it a million times now - that multi-racial folks like me (and Obama) are a "bridge between the races." We are a "step towards racial understanding." In another 50 years, everybody is going to look like us, and nobody is going to care about race. Some day, we'll all just be "a shade of brown."

Well, I just wanted to put my two cents in on this one, and I call bullsh**.

That's right. I'm not buying it for a second. But, as the polite blogger that I am, I shall tell you why I feel that way.

First of all, I don't really buy into the statistics. Over the course of the last couple decades, there has been an increase in population of people who identify as multiracial. A large increase. If you want specifics, it shouldn't be hard to find, but I'm feeling lazy, so we'll just leave it at that. My first issue with the numbers is the semantics - "people who identify as multiracial." That's well-put. Because it has only been recently that we have been able to even claim a multiracial background on most official documentation (and still - not all). Therefore, I think a large part of this increase in reportage is simply a reflection of the ability to choose anything other than monoracial.

Documentation aside, I think there is also more of a feeling these days that identifying as "mixed" is acceptable. We come from a history of one-drop and Jim Crow and - up until recently - people just had to go with their darkest blood. Any of us who were bi-racial white and anything else would have just claimed the non-white race not too long ago. Hell - I bet my parents would have claimed me as simply "Asian-American" when I was a child.

And it's still not fully acceptable for some folks to claim "mixed" or "biracial" as their racial category. In no community is this more clear than in the American black community. First off, it's largely because there may be zero "black" folks in the entire United States that aren't mixed to some degree or another. However, in no other community have I seen such a feeling of betrayal when a bi-racial person claims "mixed" over "black." This debate has raged all over the place, and - for now - I don't mean to discuss it,* but it still isn't "okay" to claim to be "mixed" in many communities.**

So I think the statistics are a bit iffy. I don't really believe that there's this huge increase in interracial coupling going on that's going to make us all be mixed by 2060. Sure, there's likely an increase - but I think it's hardly exaggerated.

However, even if the numbers are increasing at an incredible rate, I don't think that's necessarily going to do anything at all to change perceptions on race. Why? Because I know it won't.

I agree that being bi-racial increases my racial understanding and makes me have more of a compassionate perspective on both sides. It really does. But is anybody else willing to hear it? Hell no. Mono-racial people (white and otherwise) absolutely love to discount those experiences and that perspective. Mono-racial people don't want to listen. It is so difficult for them to understand the mixed experience that they do what all humans like to do with things they don't understand - ignore it. And that's what they do. And it works quite nicely.

We all saw everybody's reactions to Obama's speech that included his white side and black side. People on both sides called him a "traitor" and distrusted him. Everybody thought he was trying to "play both sides," and so everybody doubted him. When, really, Obama probably does understand both sides. But there are very few people out there (that aren't mixed, themselves) willing to accept that.

So what if people can learn to get over that, and finally come to grips that being mixed really is a distinct experience? Well, we just get one more racial category. Look at Brazil. People really are all shades down there, and there are classifications for all those shades. And, still, lighter is treated as better than darker skin. It's just a more variegated racial hierarchy - not an end to racism or prejudice. So why do people think it would be any different here in the States? It wouldn't be.

Human beings group each other. We want to know who is with "us" and who with "them." And that's not something that's ever going to change. If people are more varied in their skin-tones and physical features, we'll just get more discriminating in our categories. We're already ridiculously varied - but only the few are able to realize that, like wine connoisseurs able to distinguish subtleties that the average consumer cannot. If everybody becomes a regular wine-drinker (or is mixed), that will just increase people's abilities to distinguish based on subtler nuances. The separation will continue, just the same.

And so I tell you - I am not a bridge. I could be, to a certain extent, if people were willing to listen, but we all know that that is an unreasonable request. I shall do what I can - mostly just to keep myself sane - but I will not risk high expectations in that. This blog is an effort to reach people (and teach people) in some way, but I'll be content with two readers that get something from it. Because I've been "mixed" too long to think that many more are going to be willing to hear it.

* Don't worry - I certainly will.

** I don't know how many times people have argued with me about whether I'm "mixed" or "Asian-American." I just love it when people tell me my own experience.

On Interracial Relationships: Part II (From the Outside)

On Interracial Relationships: Part II (From the Outside),

So now that I've laid out my opinions (and personal demons) about how race falls out in my own personal romantic life, it's time to move on to the fun part: stating my opinion on OTHER people's relationships. That's right - I don't consider myself a gossip-y type of person, but I sure seem to enjoy talking about what I think other people should or shouldn't do.

Anyway. We'll start with the basics and then move on to the juicier stuff. First of all, I am a result of an interracial conception (as I stated before), and I am very happy with the distinct experience that has brought me. I believe it has made me better able to understand racial dynamics (on all sides) in this country, and I would never ask to change that (even on the days when it causes some grief). Therefore, I am obviously all for interracial relationships, on a very general level. I think this world could use some more mixed progeny out there.

That said, it's not so simple as that.

I think about racial fetishes a lot (NOT in that way - damn). My mother is Asian (Chinese). My father is white. That's not a very shocking combination for an interracial relationship (for those familiar with any of the statistics or just the common debates). So, accordingly, I often wonder if my father has (or had) an "Asian fetish." His first wife was also Asian. She went on to be with another white man later on. There seems to be a lot of circumstantial evidence here.

However, one thing has always stood out to me about my parents' relationship - they love each other. Truly. I'm very cynical when it comes to love and marriage in general, but I have always held my own parents as the exception to the rule. So - can it be a fetish when they are very much in love? Or - if it actually STARTED as a fetish, but then led to a loving relationship, does it really matter? Arranged marriages can end up in love, so can they be all that bad? That's the question.

And I go back and forth on my answer. Because I definitely find myself mentally tsk-tsk-ing when I see an Asian woman out and about with what I perceive to be a white boyfriend. I find myself automatically assuming that the guy has an Asian fetish, and that the woman isn't attracted to Asian men. I condescendingly nod to the couple and tell whoever is with me, "See? White man and Asian girl - again."

So why do I do this? It seems so ridiculously hypocritical. Because I'm definitely not one of those Asian men who feels like the white guy is stealing "my" women or my chances to get that particular girl. I've found that my mixed-ness has made me relatively "accessible" in terms of interracial dating (I have pretty much been the "first" Asian and/or mixed guy that ANY of my past romantic interests have been involved with - aren't I just "breaking down barriers" one woman at a time?).

So - what bothers me? Mostly - and this can be applied to any white man/non-white girl couple - it's my assumptions about the man's respect for the woman. I assume that the man just thinks "Asian women are hot" - that whole exotification thing - without being able to see beyond that. I had a friend who had a definite Asian fetish (he told me so) to the point where he LITERALLY thought EVERY Asian woman he saw was hot (linking to the "they all look the same" theory). I assume that the woman lets that happen because she has (consciously or no) bought into the mainstream distaste for Asian men.

And I don't think that that is a stretch, every time. I've known plenty of white guys who tell me how they are just attracted to "exotic women."* And I don't think they mean that in terms of cultural respect and without stereotypical assumptions.

Then there are the guys (and girls) who say things like, "I can't be racist, my girlfriend/boyfriend is - fill in blank with non-white race." My dad even said that once. And that makes me sicker than any of the rest. The perceived use of an "exotic" trophy-girlfriend to carry as a banner to prove the white partner's "open-mindedness."

These are my hang-ups. They pop into my head almost every time I see an interracial couple. And I know it's ridiculous (because I've known couples that are nothing like this, I've been PART of couples that are not like this), but it's still there. I don't necessarily ACT on these split-second reactions, thoughts, and assumptions, but they hit me every time.

So then - how does this particular bi-racial boy want to see interracial relationships fall out? Based on my own experiences, from how my parents have done it right (and wrong), this is what I've come up with:

First - there HAS to be respect, and a true, full desire to bring things equal. What I mean is that there must be a leveling of racial understanding - and a lot of that is going to fall on the white partner (if there is one - if it's an interracial relationship with no white partners, though, these rules still apply). Both partners need to be willing to both share their backgrounds and experiences fully, while simultaneously giving up some of that access in order to try to better understand where the other person is coming from - and their experiences and culture.

That means that if your partner is Chinese, for instance, you best be fully willing and wanting to go to China with them. To study up on Chinese history. To be uncomfortably non-Chinese amongst your partner's all-Chinese family (or friends). It means that both partners need to be willing to carve out a social existence on their partner's cultural terms (which is generally harder for the white folks). BOTH people need to embrace the uncomfortable exclusion from the other side - because that's how shared understanding is going to happen.

And that's how it's going to be for the kids. This, of course, is where it gets super-personal for me. Both parents of a mixed child need to be fully involved in the OTHER side's experience. For instance (to continue using myself as an example), it can't be "the job" of the Chinese parent to initiate Chinese-language lessons. It can't just be the Chinese parent that brings the kid into Chinatown to see relatives. There are certain levels where the non-Chinese parent obviously cannot share experience with the mixed kid, but they have to BE THERE. They have to be willing to give themselves over to half of their child's life and experience - no matter how uncomfortable or out of place that makes them feel. And neither parent can simply "give in" to the other's culture, keeping one half (or more) from the child).

And both parents need to understand that their child will never be able to fully walk in either side's racial world. No matter how hard the parent tries, the kid is going to be left out, in some way. They are going to be treated differently. And - unless both parents acknowledge that - the child is going to be largely on her/his own in building their racial understanding of themselves and the world around them. Parents need to ask the child questions about how they feel and are experiencing certain situations - and they must encourage questions from the child.

At least - that's what I THINK would work (judging from what did/did not work in my case). At least, it would seem like the best chance at working and being fully respectful and truly equal. Again, I stress that these are mostly things that are/would be difficult for a white partner in a relationship. Automatically, a non-white American knows what it is to be uncomfortably out of place and on somebody else's terms. White Americans do not (in general) and are often VERY hesitant about being in that situation.** And that's something that both sides need to be fully cognizant of and communicating about.

So there are the CVT's rules (and judgements) on interracial relationships and parenting. Take it with a grain of salt, and feel free to set the record straight on any number of areas I stomped on.




* Side note - I had one "friend" who asked me if I was into "exotic" women - to which I answered, "I don't know - am I exotic?"

** This is why white folks are always arguing against all-black fraternities as "racist." Claiming how "unfair" it is if they go to a party that is pre-dominantly black and "everybody is staring at them just because -gasp- they're white." White people out there - see how uncomfortable that makes you? Use a little bit of logic, then, and see that that is EXACTLY why there ARE all-black fraternities (and people of color like to hang out in crowds that look mostly like them, at times).

On Interracial Relationships: Part I (My Own)

On Interracial Relationships: Part I (My Own),

It has come to my attention that the following passage I put into my previous (first) post is a bit problematic:

I have pondered long and hard how the racial identity of the mother of my future children would affect my ability to connect to them. I have also thought about how that mother's racial identity would either let down or make proud my grandparents.

I don't want my children to be whiter than me.

It's problematic on a number of levels (not all of which I will get into), of course, but the main one is this: as the product of an interracial conception, how can I - more so than anybody - be okay with race as a possible pre-requisite in a future wife?

Me - a "bridge between races" - trying to build that bridge up with thoughts of specifically avoiding a particular race (white) to date. How can that even be mildly acceptable?

I'm not sure if it is. Because, of course, my exposure to race has caused me to realize that race guarantees little in this life (other than how prejudice and stereotypes will be experienced). Truly. Sure, white folks are less likely to be aware of how white privilege works or all the little things that keep the racial hierarchy in order, but that's not everything. Because black folks are equally likely to be unaware of the Asian racial experience and to say ignorant things about it. Everybody is ignorant of Native American experience, etc.

So how can I possibly make such a statement as the one above? What is my opinion of interracial relationships?

The simple answer? I really have no idea. As with many of my thoughts on race, due to my experience, I'm mixed. I go back and forth. So let's start at the beginning (disclaimer, I'm going to stick to the heterosexual experience, because that's all I have, and I feel in no position to comment on a situation I have no personal insight on):

By definition, almost every romantic relationship I've ever been in has been "interracial." Only one time have I ever been quasi-involved with a mixed Asian/white girl - and that never made it to full-blown "relationship" status. In terms of mono-racial ladies, I have been involved with white, Jewish (it IS different than just "white"), Asian, and black women (to varying degrees of seriousness). I have also gotten mixed up with Asian/white, Mexican/white, and black/white bi-racial ladies.

So. What have these varying experiments in interracial dating taught me? Not a whole lot.

In my outside life, in terms of friendships, I have found myself most easily able to immediately connect to mixed folks. There's some sort of mystical bond going on there that causes us to be drawn together in casual friendship, all things being equal (i.e. in a room full of people I don't know, it's easiest to get along with the mixed folks - of course, there are seldom rooms of strangers with ANY mixed folks other than me, so it might just be an outlying statistic that cannot be treated with any real significance).

In relationships, being with another mixed person definitely opened up a level of unspoken understanding that was pretty nice. Being with someone that I knew could understand a way of being that so few people I ever talk to can understand was like snuggling into a warm downy comforter on a winter day. However, that's the only constant through those relationships. I'm not with any of those ladies now (and I don't think about going back), so - obviously - that wasn't enough.

So what about the other races? One of the white girls told me she "didn't even think of me as Chinese" - NEXT! One Asian (Korean) girl my friends tried to set me up with in college was probably the most annoying girl I've ever (and may ever) meet. I've had a black woman friend (granted, not somebody I was dating) argue with me about my experience of race (trying to tell me that I was wrong in what I was saying about other people's perception of my racial background).

My Jewish ex is/was probably the only non-mixed lady that seemed to get the closest grasp of it all. I think that's due to the ambiguous "other"-ness of Jews in America: sort of blending in at times, but then being completely left out of "standard" white culture during Christmas and other co-opted Christian Hallmark holidays. The (un-asked-for) ability to be a "spy" to people spouting anti-semitic speech thinking "they aren't around." It's not a coincidence that a bunch of my cousins ended up marrying Jewish guys. And that was the closest relationship (by far) of all of them. Of course, it was due to a lot of different things (she certainly listened the best of all of them). In the end, she dumped me, though, so . . . (just messing with you, A - sort of).

Right. So the overwhelming message? Race doesn't really mean anything at all in relationships. It's no guarantee of compatibility, understanding, communication, or anything else. Yeah - a lot of white women are ridiculously ignorant about race, but I wouldn't end up talking to any of them, anyway (let alone dating them). I'm commitment-phobic enough to be scared off of most women of any race, so anybody who made it through that particular set of defenses would be impressive enough for race to be the least important factor.

And yet I still think about it. Why?

Because of my future child.

I know, first-hand, what it is like to not look my parents. To have this strange racial barrier hanging between myself and them. To know that there are a lot of things about how I've walked through this world that they just cannot understand. It's not so looming with my mother (the forced bi-cultural immigrant experience echoing the mixed experience in America). With my dad? It's HUGE.

And I don't want that to be the case with my child. I don't want that barrier. And I know some of that can be alleviated (no matter what he/she looks like) by honest communication, but communication cannot fully make up for a disconnect in shared experience.

The other (bigger) part? I am a middle school teacher. I work with an interesting population of kids. One day, one of those kids (who is 1/4th Japanese - biracial mother, white father) came up to me. He told me how he had been walking down the street while some "chink" was following him, saying something, and he wanted to know if I knew what the word she kept repeating meant (he knew my background). I, of course, backed up a step and asked him if he knew what he just said was, and he responded, "No - that's why I'm asking you."

I was surprised for a minute until I realized that he thought I was talking about the "Asian" word he had asked me to define. He had NO IDEA that I was referring to his use of the word "chink." So I explained to him what that meant, why it was an issue, etc. And he got it (he even apologized).

But this is what I took from that experience - this kid, with a quarter Asian blood, was already so far removed from that part of himself (due to "looking white") that he didn't even know that "chink" wasn't okay to say. And that hit me so hard, and has sat in the pit of my stomach since. If I don't have a kid with a full-Asian or mixed woman, would that happen with my kid? Sure, I would make sure s/he knew what those words meant, but that couldn't avoid the disconnect with the race and culture. How people perceive us is largely how we experience the world, and I don't want my kid to lose that.

Especially knowing how important it was to my (Chinese) grandparents. My family has quickly faded towards white in three short generations. I may be the "last chance" to keep the Chinese blood flowing.

This is what it means to be mixed in America. To be torn both ways, never knowing which one is right.

For myself, on a personal level? The race won't make a difference. It's going to come down to the distinct personality and make-up of the woman that works for me. I DO know that whoever it is would have to be well-rounded and have a large range of interests. Racially? The quality of my relationship will have nothing to do with the race.

For my kids and ancestors? History and posterity? Race looms large. But if it's not the best relationship, won't that still screw up my racially-matching, possibly proudly-Chinese children? Absolutely.

So I end up back where I began it all. Mixed-up, confused, expecting that neither choice will end up feeling 100% right. Intuition telling me I have to just go for the best RELATIONSHIP, regardless of race, but knowing that that will leave me feeling that I let down my grandparents.*

Isn't race a wonderful thing?

And that's where I lie on interracial relationships as they pertain to me, directly. Next: my judgement on others.



*An interesting side-note: funny how I worry about letting down my Chinese grandparents (and ancestors) but don't worry about letting down my white (Russian/Irish) grandparents and ancestors. I'll just leave that at that for now - if you'd like to comment and ask for more about that, be my guest.